My Undercover Life
by JustLetMePerfectIt
Summary: "Pray tell Dorian, what weapon could your organisation possibly have that would stop us?" JD grinned up at him, "Me." Being held captive wasn't what JD would call fun. It was all just part of the job.


I'm a bit bored and I'm not in the mood to write for 'My Parallel World' or 'My Big Break', hence why I have decided to write a random ficlet. Enjoy and give us a review if you could please, who knows, I could maybe even make it longer or something. This isn't meant to be a crack fic, it's how I think the character would be if he choose this for a career. Reading back it feels a lot more humorous than I planned it to be. This won't be to everyone's liking.

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/There comes a point in everyone's life when they feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. In JD's case, that was almost literally true all the time./

_So I wish I was James Bond, just for the day. Kissing all the girls, blow the bad guys away._

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Drip._

As another drop of ice cold water hit the top of his head, JD gave an involuntary shudder. Every time a drop hit him it felt like a small knife was being plunged into his brain. The torture was never ending, every few seconds a freezing cold droplet would fall. It was driving him mad, which in hindsight he found odd. After all the things he had been through, who would have thought that his strong mind would be broken but with a few single drops of water- all be it freezing cold drops of water.

The darkened room he was confined to had a strange musky smell. He could not see a thing but he could tell he was not alone. Along with his shallow breathing he could here another, more healthy person drawing and exhaling breath. He could picture the breath misting in the freezing cold air, in fact he could practically feel his own misting. In the end, everything came down to the horrible chill. Not even the un-comfortableness of the hard wooden chair he was tied to was a bad as the freezing cold air and the damn insistent dripping. It felt like he had been trapped there for days even though it had probably only been a few hours.

"Are you ready to talk Jonathan?" Though he was trained and had been doing such things for years, JD jumped as he heard a smooth baritone voice in the darkness. The young man strapped to the chair felt a person, a man, move close towards him. All the muscles in his body tensed up, but JD did not move his lips to utter a sound. "We've been watching you John. We know what you're up to. There's no point trying to hide it..." The voice was smoother still, like chocolate, but JD could hear the beginning tones of anger and frustration underneath the chocolate calmness. Again JD did not utter a sound. He just sat, waiting for the man's next move and he didn't have to wait long.

Blood pulled at the corner of his mouth as he felt the sharp sting of a hand colliding with his face. He let out an involuntary whimper of pain, even though he had been expecting the hard slap. Anticipating it even. The man seemed to have heard the whimper and chuckled quietly.

"To think they sent you, of all people. You're pathetic Jonathan. An embarrassing excuse for an agent."

"So's your face."

Another resounding smack echoed in perfect timing with another drop of freezing water dropping again neatly onto JD's now wet hair. He didn't even bother notice the latter however, instead concentrating on chewing the uninjured side of his cheek so as not to cry out again. Although he could not see the man's features at all in the pitch black, he could tell he was raging. His tormentor's breaths were coming out in short, angry gasps. This satisfied JD a great deal, he felt unbreakable. Just when his tormentors thought they had him he would show them some of his rebellious nature and really tick them off. It was always the case- it was the way he worked and it worked for him.

A small breeze signalled the fact that the man had moved away from him. A sudden click was heard and a small, bare light-bulb hanging from the centre of the celling was illuminated. It didn't give much light, but enough for JD to be able to see the small room he was held in. The grubby white walls looked almost yellow in the bare light and the hard, wooden floor was covered in a layer of dust. The only thing in the room besides the chair he was tied to was a door on the wall furthest from him. The man was standing next to said door, hands still braced on the light switch.

Like the room, the man wasn't very impressive for a captor. Tall, well built with an expensive looking business suit and a marine hair cut. To JD he looked weak and he began assessing all the weak points on the man's body as he slowly began walking back to him from the switch.

"You've been bugging us for a while John Dorian. Hanging around the area, stealing documents," the man brought a revolver from his jacket pocket and pointed it to JD's head. "Who are you working for?"

Raising an eyebrow in what he hoped was a coy "James Bond" expression, which probably ended up looking constipated and a little aroused, he stared at the gun unflinchingly. This earned him a growl from the man, but not a slap this time. The gun was then moved down to his knee cap. JD didn't react but slowly started pulling at the knot that kept his hands tied around the back of the chair. Seeing the man wasn't going to do another thing without an answer JD gave a sigh.

"What makes you think I'm working for somebody? What if I'm perfectly innocent and you've captured me for no reason what so ever? Do I honestly look like the kick-ass ninja, secret agent type?" JD finally replied coyly. The unimpressive man gave JD a raised eyebrow and an almost pitying glance.

"That's exactly why we suspect you Dorian. Also the fact that when we knocked you out and brought you here, we found these on your person," the man held up a small, sleek pistol and a small coloured sticky note that had the words "licence to kill" with a smiley face with crossed out eyes drawn in the corner. JD had to restrain himself to stop from giggling out loud. Someone at the headquarters had drawn it for him as a joke."No more games John," the chocolate voiced man continued fiercely, "tell me who you work for and I'll kill you nice and quick. Otherwise we can take this very slowly."

JD yawned in reply, again going with the 'I'm calm, it's all cool' routine, "You may as well. They already have the information they need from me. We know your plans to send a nuclear missile to Russia and potentially begin World War 3. We've been planning against it for a long time and we have a secret weapon of our own."

Throughout JD's speech, the man had been growing steadily redder and redder- a vein was seen throbbing in his temple. He braced his hands either side of the tops of JD's chair and leaned over him in an intimidating fashion. The young agent "bound" to the chair was tempted to make comment on how awful his breath smelt.

"Pray tell Dorian, what weapon could your "organisation" possibly have that would stop us?"

JD grinned up at him, "Me."

Having spent the entire confrontation working on the bonds restricting his hands, JD had finally freed himself seconds before his captor had leaned over him. If he had tried harder he probably could have managed it hours before, but JD had always had a flare for the dramatics. The man stumbled back in shock as a hard punch connected with his nose. Knowing the man would soon send for more men to come, the agent quickly started working on the knots keeping his legs bound to the chair. Looking up from the knot, he saw the man holding his bleeding nose while shouting into a small mobile phone.

Having freed himself completely from the chair and the bloody dripping from the damp celling, he practically flew over to the man and kicked the phone clean out the man's hand. The man, that JD had inwardly named Chocolate due to his voice, growled as soon as the phone had left his hand and he charged at JD so quickly that the agent was taken unawares. They both went barrelling to the ground. With a small groan of pain as Chocolate's full weight landed on his smaller frame he twisted his body so he was on top and pinned the larger man's hands to the ground above his head. Reaching to the right, he attempted to swipe his gun with one hand, the other pinning the stunned man to the ground. He missed first time, but with a slightly embarrassed smile he snatched it up and pointed it to the man's groin with an angelic grin.

"The name's Dorian. _John_ Dorian."

The man looked perplexed- his intimidating features slack for a moment, "...Well yeah. We already established that."

JD smiled wider, "I know... I just really wanted to say that on at least one mission. CIA. Very special agent. And I'll see you in hel..lo?" The smug agent was interrupted by the arrival of a couple of dozen of the man's comrades all armed. "Shit." JD quickly scanned the room for a means of escape but he couldn't see any bar the heavily guarded door. His eye roll could almost be heard, it was never slick and easy with him, always clumsy and difficult. Luckily he had his super ninja agent back-up plan.

JD pointed behind the men pointing their guns at him, "BANNANA HAMMOCK!" No one could resist the "behind you" trick. Taking advantage of the few confusing minutes JD ran as fast as he could towards the door was, letting go of the man on the floor and remembered for this first time in his life to take his cover with him. True he did stumble slightly, but he did get past them.

Outside the room there was a well lit corridor. Since he had been unconscious upon his arrival, he had no idea how to get out and more importantly how to get to the lab he knew to be located somewhere in the building. All he could think was thank God he had listened to the briefing for once. He couldn't pause as he knew the group of men where right behind him so he continued sprinting down the corridor. He squealed as a sudden voice appeared seemingly out of nowhere in his ear.

"_Dorian. What the hell having you been doing for the past two hours? Have you reached the lab yet?" _

Not pausing for breath JD held a hand to his left ear and talked as loudly as he dared. "I got a bit held up...And I have no idea how to get to the lab." Even after years of being an agent he still felt weird talking out loud to a voice that felt like it was in his head. It would be like outwardly narrating his constant internal monologue. He heard the voice in his ear sigh.

"_Why you haven't been fired we'll never know." _JD knew that the female on the other end was teasing. It had been a running joke at the agency for years that he was completely incompetent. They all knew this was untrue. JD had saved not only America, but the entire world a number of times already. True he didn't do it in style, nor did he do it very gracefully or subtlety, but he always got the job done. Eventually.

"_The lab is located on the second floor. There should be an elevator just a while ahead of you. Remember JD, you cannot get caught again. There isn't enough time. We'll be on the line if you need anything."_

It was one of the times that JD had been grateful for all the training the agency made you do. He didn't go on missions as often as he had used to and if he hadn't trained he would have been unable to run another step. A bullet sped past his head, narrowly missing his ear and JD swore under his breath. It was always fun when they actually started using their weapons. He turned back and quickly fired two rounds, not bothering to check if he had hit anybody. Like his agent style, his running style was neither graceful or stylish, it just got the job done.

He could the metallic glint of the elevator coming closer into his line of sight. He gave another quickly turn and bit his lip. In the time it took the elevator's doors to open there was a high possibility he could be shot to death.

JD was a big fan of all secret agents gadgets. Especially ones that saved his skin. He hopped a couple of steps, still trying to run, but while trying to pull a shoe off. Another few bullets narrowly missed him and he finally had the expensive shoe off. He grinned in satisfaction. His chest heaving, he pressed a hidden button at the heel and chucked the shoe backwards towards the men. A cloud of black smoke started to fill the hallway behind him. Taking the advantage, he sprinted towards the elevator, limping slightly due to the loss of a shoe, with a burst of speed.

The doors opened promptly and JD continually pumped the button for the second floor. He watched in nervous terror as he watched the shadow figures coming quickly towards him.

"Close. Close. Pleassse close. CLOSE DAMN IT!"

Even a bit close for comfort for JD's standards, the doors closed just before anyone reached him or got a clear shot of him. Almost fainting with relief he placed his hand over his ear once again and smoke slightly clearer this time. "Are there many on the second floor and is there a quick exit?"

"_..No. Your fine in that area. A few apparently unarmed lab technicians. I bet they thought they would have gone with you by now. There is a fire exit leading from the lab. You know.. with all those metal stairs you love."_

JD groaned. Whoever thought having a large, steep, metal staircase leading outside was a safe way to exit during a fire was a total idiot. Every-time he had ever attempted to make a slick exit on them he had always tripped at least once. He was pulled from his thoughts when the elevator's doors opened with a light _'ping'_. There was a conveniently placed table just outside the doors, so JD grabbed it and dragged it so as to prevent the doors from closing and enabling the lift to go back down... he had made that mistake before. Lesson learned.

There was only one door, which admittedly made the task of finding the lab a lot easier. Now all he had to do was dispose of the information held in the labs, therefore ruining the many years worth of work made on the bombs by the terrorist group. And when he was told to dispose of it, he knew that was really code word for, blow it the hell up.

The one thing JD couldn't stand about the job was having to sometimes injure and rarely kill people. So when he burst into the lab gun out and saw a dozen or so lab technicians, most of them civilians forced to work for the group. He paused and shouted out a warning.

"Yeah, so I'm here to.. well basically blow this place up. You have about 15 seconds to leave through that door," he gestured towards the fire exit, "because I really don't want to have to fix any of you up. It could lead to awkward situations. Oh and on that note be careful on the stairs. They are slippy, I kn-"

"_JD!"_

JD took the hint,"So go go go people!" The momentary pause that JD had cause was broken from the word go. Everyone in the lab rushed towards the door in one huge stampede. It vaguely reminded JD of Gazelle running from a lion or a tiger. Did that make him the Tiger? He had always wanted to be called Tiger. He ran to the exit and after a quick scan saw that everyone was a safe-ish distance away. Well he couldn't really wait any longer anyway.

Carefully he took the other shoe off he was wearing and vaguely wondered why it was always the shoes that doubled as bombs. Surely that was unsafe? What if he had stood the wrong way and basically blown himself up. It was unlikely, but plausible when it came to his level of clumsiness. He would have to remember to bring that up with the bosses. Now shoeless JD ran over to the biggest looking and therefore, by his logics, the most important computer mainframe system and clicked a button at the heels. He bit his lip, now came the fun bit.

The tell-tale beep signalled the beginning of the countdown- which had been modified for JD's clumsy needs especially, instead of counting down it counted down from thirty. Which the speed one can only posses from running away from a bomb he ran to the fire exit and came to the true enemy of the day. The steep, metal stairs. However, as he counted down in his head, the stairs didn't seem so bad anymore. If it was between falling to his death or burning to death, he would take his chances with the falling. With the gracefulness of a drunk toddler with no shoes on he stumbled down the stairs, pausing only to do a spilt second victory dance when he had reached the bottom.

As expected, a small yellow Porshe was waiting for him at the bottom. The man inside was beckoning him to hurry up, not wanting to risk getting caught in the explosion. Keeping to his standard JD pulled the passenger door open and threw himself bodily into the car.

"Drive! Drive! Drive!"

His colleague gave him a befuddled look, taking in the fact that JD was half in the passenger seat and half on his lap, upside down and then pulled the car into gear and drove away from the doomed, secluded building.

As JD righted himself and looked into the side mirror, he saw an impressive explosion. Painting the sky orange. Thank God he hadn't lost his footing...

"You going back to Headquarters JD? They're going to want to debrief you and maybe fix up your face a bit." Richard, than man driving and a long time colleague of JD's, had always reminded him of a white Turk. That was probably why they got along so well.

"No. I'll report to my local chief and I'll get back to you guys as soon as I can. I have somewhere to be right now and looking at the time. I'm going to be late.."

-A while later-

"Newbie! Where the hell have you been! You're ten minutes late and the late slumber party, where you and the gals just had to stay up all night talking about how darn hawt Daniel Craig is not gonna work as an excuse Madonna. It just isn't."

JD saw Carla give him a pitying glance as he nervously adjusted his scrubs, not having the guts to look into Dr Cox's crazy eyes- which was odd really considering he had just blown up a high-tech terrorists lab. He dared look up and saw Dr Cox studying him.

"What happened to your face Newbie?" At his words Carla's face snapped up to look at his too.

"Not all the girls agreed with me that Daniel Cr-"

"Ah sport. Just the doctor I wanted to see." Kelso appeared apparently out of nowhere and paused in front of JD, beckoning him towards his office which happened to be just down the corridor from where they had been standing.

"Ah Newbie. Time to loss the little girl panties. Somebody's in trouble with the big dadd-eh"

"Shut your trap Perry" and with that Kelso practically manhandled JD to his office, not giving him a chance to even glance at Carla. Everyone they walked past gave JD pitying glances, thinking he was done for. He wanted to laugh at them...

Kelso closed the door behind him and without pausing for breath immediately asked, "Did you dispose of the facility?"

JD nodded in confirmation, "Yes sir." Kelso allowed a small genuine small to grace his features.

"Well done Dorian. I knew I made the right choice when I choose you to enter the doctor/agent program. Gle- er the Janitor will debrief you when you have a free moment. You did well today sport. Keep up the good work. NOW GET OUT MY OFFICE!" he said the last phrase with a wink. They always had to keep up the façade. Nobody but the three of them could ever know.

JD walked out the office, trying to school his features into an unhappy, guilty expression. He was pleasantly surprised to find Turk waiting outside for him.

"Vanilla bear! Where did you disappear to last night man? You said you were just going to the toilet!"

"Sorry Brown bear, I'll buy tonight to make up for it."

Turk smiled and high-fived JD, "That's what I'm talking about."

"Besides I could kill for an appletini right now. Shaken not stirred."

"...Dude. What's with that?"

_End._

Again. Read and review if you could please. This so hasn't turned out as planned but I hope you enjoy it regardless. It was all so serious then I ruined my muse with "So's your face". I just couldn't resist.


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